Workshops

Workshops are weird.

You shove a guy, and someone tells you to go in your head next time.

You shove a guy, and someone tells you to tense a certain back muscle.

You talk to a girl. One internal voice says, "Charge in and be sexy." Another says, "If there was a coach watching me right now, he would tell me I'm freezing and to back up." You start by just getting up off the couch and backing away from her. This is her first workshop as a model. She's like, "What the hell are you doing, and what did I get into?"

You start moving back and forth until you find the correct place, and then you start moving forward. There's a coach there. You're moving forward, and you feel your sense of him about to correct you again. You turn to him, and he says, "No, this is the correct moving forward, which is actually facing fear." Okay. Sure. You talk to the girl about what you're doing. Words. Words no longer matter in this business. Except words that are woven through your living self and the breath that carries them.

The girl starts to dump on you. She says, "How do you hold this (magical, esoteric) thing?” She says, “I want to know. I've only been able to hold it for a second before. How did you learn this? How did the coach who interviewed me break me down? I've talked to CEOs. I can handle myself. How did he do that to me?"

You laugh. "He made you spill your guts about your weaknesses three minutes into the interview call, right?"

She says, "How did you know?"

You talk to a girl. She's very hot. Closed off. She mostly comes alive as a third party when she has distance. You're supposed to ask her questions about herself and just listen. She talks about her work with women after they get off birth control. You hear lots of stuff you already know. You mention the parts of the cycle in one of your questions, and she's surprised. You're bored. She talks about how men are just Peter Pan nowadays. You feel like saying, "I know I want something serious, but with you, I want to Peter Pan you."

The coach walks up. He says, "You're not listening to her. Both of you start talking gibberish." Suddenly, you feel engaged. Her facial expressions become far more interesting. The coach has you change back to words. You feel like you're doing fine. He says, "That's not working. Back to gibberish.”

You visit your sister. It’s been some months. You mention the workshop and she asks questions about it. Says you used to be up in your head, like a chipmunk. Says you seem lower down now. You don’t feel so different, but she seems to have more facial expressions and the world moves slower. Good workshop.